At the beginning of our relationship a lot of stories about the past came out. Vortex was quite horrified to hear some of my ‘war’ stories from Canada – waitressing and bartending is a tough job!
He just brought one up and I thought it might be too harsh to share, but actually it’s perfect. You are all following along because you’re ready for the TRUTH. We need to check if you can handle it.
I had just started working at a busy downtown restaurant, popular with government workers, mall rats, military personnel, and just about anyone else who happened to be in the area. I had the role I wanted – daytime bartender. Everything should have been very PG and professional, no late nights.
Just after I started working there I learned the manager of the restaurant was a pervert and an ass. My opinion of him formed very quickly, here’s why.
Just after taking his new position of power he had the opportunity to approve my request for a day off. I was standing near the entrance of the restaurant with another employee after my shift and he came to tell me that he had approved it. I thanked him and he casually asked me what I was going to do with my day off. I told him that I had an appointment but that it was a rare occasion, only once every few months.
He looked concerned so I assured him it was nothing serious, just a laser hair removal touch up. His face immediately changed. His look made me nauseous, it made my hairs stand on end. He started staring at me, but really staring, at places other than my eyes. He suddenly looked very interested and asked me where I had gotten lasered – he wasn’t asking about the name of the clinic.
By the way, this is a great example of one of those situations when the English language can be used in a way that sounds so innocent, even when it isn’t. There are so many ways to say something without actually ever saying anything at all…
Some of you may feel like we do that in our posts – say a lot without actually saying anything. It’s very difficult to describe something when you don’t know what you are trying to describe or how it can be described (which we do have our ideas about, thus we are writing to you). Part of the way we are writing to you is to highlight that very idea, but it’s also to get you to take a risk – be brave! Do something you’ve never done before, go where no (wo)man has gone before. Describe something that isn’t already on a meme.
If you ‘like the content’, share the message, try to bring other people into the process. We are asking you to join the discussion, to contribute your voice, because we wonder if you feel the same way we do. We want to end war – give PEACE a chance!
OK, back to the story. As my new boss continued to look me up and down, practically licking his lips, he asked me directly if I was totally bald or if I had some hair ‘down there’. I stared at him in shock for a moment, I had no idea how to even begin formulating a response. ‘Lucky’ me, I didn’t have to wait long. He tried to give me a hint as to how I should answer, I guess, by letting me know that, personally, he liked girls with some hair down there but that bald girls swallow and he likes that too.
I let him know that this conversation was totally inappropriate and I wasn’t going to answer his questions, nor engage in any kind of conversation about whether he would be able to check his theory with me. From that day forward he made it clear that I was no longer a ‘valued’ employee, I was officially his target. It wasn’t a question of if but when he would replace me, my clock had started. I started hating working there very shortly afterward.
When Vortex heard the story, he asked me why I didn’t call the police. ‘For a few f*cking dollars per hour?!’
Calling the police had never crossed my mind – sexual harassment in restaurants and bars is more common than not. Part of the job is knowing how to deflect it. Besides, I said, I had handled the situation.
Even as I was saying it though, I knew I had not. Many other girls felt the same way that I did, that he was an ass, but we were content to let it slide because ‘the money was good’ and ‘it could have been worse’.
I had not handled the situation. My mind told me to accept that he made my life hell because ‘it could have been worse’. Now, from this perspective, here’s how I understand the truth of the matter.
The relationship (excuse the pun) between a ‘dominator’ and ‘victim’ is easy to see in the case of girls in a sexualized situation. The girl become the target for someone to take advantage of. Some girls simply choose to accept this as a fact of life, accommodate the behaviour of others, and try to use it to their advantage.
All people though, are in this kind of situation at some point in their lives – defenseless, a target for someone looking to get something from you. We ‘do what we have to do’ to survive so we accept being put in uncomfortable situations, and we do this for money constantly – say at our jobs.
We all understand the reasons for accepting these situations time to time, but is it not actually, simply, fear? Fear we’ll be fired, fear we’ll be rejected, fear we’ll be punished. But there’s a difference between keeping the peace and sweeping an elephant under the rug, of being taken advantage of. That elephant doesn’t go away, and you pass it along – eager to take your chance at having power over someone else.
We are all trying to get the most we can for ourselves (greed) because we live under constant pressure that we will never be able to get enough (stress) or that it will be taken from us (fear). We have everything we need inside ourselves, money can’t buy happiness The answer is LOVE.
The sexual dynamics that have evolved in our society are a very telling proof that something is wrong with human relationships. There is no more trust, only calculated strategy. There is less and less honour and truth, more and more games and political correction. Too much fear, not enough love.
Everybody is too busy trying to protect themselves from the constant barrage of attacks to look up and realize that everyone around them is doing the same. You are not alone. We see examples of harassment, domination, and humiliation everyday, we don’t need to look in a newspaper. This kind of social climate builds our tolerance for injustice, and it kills our love.
We slowly start to accept more and more inhumane treatment, of ourselves and those around us, and we don’t react for these ‘minor offences’ because we have ‘bigger problems’ to worry about. It’s no wonder there is so much social acceptance for war abroad, we feel under attack at home too. How can we solve those ‘bigger problems’ though, when we have so many of our own ‘minor offences’ to worry about? We wonder if you notice the circular reasoning.
At this restaurant, I could have called the police, if I had felt like it was a problem I would have been supported on. But at the office, like on Facebook, we are surrounded by a bunch of people we only call friends because in English there aren’t many other options, but actually, we feel alone. They are definitely not the same kind of ‘friends’ you had as a kid – the kind that always stood beside you because they judged you on the content of your heart, not their wallet.
I didn’t do anything then, but we are trying to do something now. We want to stand up to the bullies in this world – the dominators, the oppressors – whoever ‘they’ may be for you. We started SexiLeaks to provide a place where we can learn about what TRUTH, LOVE, RESPECT, and UNITY really mean to each of us. We’re sure that if we all put our perspectives together, we can FIND OUR WAY to PEACE.
We’ve really enjoyed our time with you, we hope you are enjoying it too. We’ve spent quite a lot of time together (no 140-character conversations here!) and we think maybe it’s time to ask if you want to be more than just our Facebook friends We want to ask you to JOIN US!
Please SHARE this post (or a different one) if you think our message is one that should be heard. Please COMMENT below if you think there are topics we should, as a group, be discussing. Please INVITE your friends to do the same. We want to change this world but we can’t do it alone.
10 days left.