Last week we wrote about how ‘Feminists are F*cked‘ and a lot of people had something to say about it – great! Finally!
This week we’d like to explain a little bit more about what we meant by that and why union is a much better solution than feminism to the patriarchy problem.
Feminists Need Love Too
Susan Walsh starts off her piece titled ‘ by saying that the piece published in the New York Times titled ‘ didn’t tell us anything new: women are less likely to orgasm from casual sex, or a ‘hookup’ than their male partner. We think the NYT article is full of more misleading misinformation about a problem that no one is talking about the real solution to.
“What’s interesting about the article,” writes Walsh, “is that it casts the dilemma as one of equal rights – a feminist’s conundrum.”
The New York Times piece uses antecdotal evidence to illustrate the idea that “women are less likely to have orgasms during uncommitted sexual encounters than in serious relationships”. It goes on to say, however, “that young women are becoming equal partners in the hookup culture, often just as willing as young men to venture into sexual relationships without emotional ties”.
Wait a second – women are becoming equal partners? So who were the guy’s partners before – not women? Or only unwilling females? And how can they be ‘becoming equal’ when they are still ‘less likely to have orgasms’. We wonder, are you as confused as we are?
Dr. Kim Wallen, a professor of neuroendocrinology at Emory University, is quoted as saying: “The notion of sexual liberation, where men and women both had equal access to casual sex, assumed a comparable liklihood of that sex being pleasurable…but that part of the playing field isn’t level.”
Dr. Paula England, a sociologist at New York University who studies the dynamics of casual sex and led a study of 24 000 at 21 colleges over five years, attributes this inequality to the fact then men don’t care about their partner as much during casual sex as in a relationship as well as to the idea that women feel less comfortable during casual sex and therefore are less likely to communicate their needs.
“Dr. Debra Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University, said that for women, casual sex is exciting precisely because it is spontaneous. She compared a hookup with having dinner at a friend’s house. ‘You wouldn’t be like, ‘This is what I want and this is how I want you to make it, and I want you to use only this amount of basil,” she said.”
Another woman (a doctor!) at the top just doing her part to help out all the other women in the system that hurts us all. You see, we told you: Feminists Are F*cked! And they don’t do anything to help future generations of girls prevent themselves from being f*cked just because they want to explore sex.
Rather than using her position to publicize the idea that girls should speak up – whether about what they want to put in their mouth as food or what they want put in other places in their body and for what reason – she condones the idea that it’s ok to have casual sex and enjoy it precisely because you don’t know what you’re going to get, and it’s even ok to keep doing it even if you don’t feel satisfaction from it.
Ignorance is not bliss and those who understand that (whether they’re doctors and scientists making money from research grants, businessmen, or playboys) will continue to be able to control and manipulate us until we realize how they are able to do so, by controlling our knowledge about and access to real pleasure and satisfaction.
The NYT piece finishes by discussing how “some women, confronted with these roadblocks, are redefining casual sex and the physical pleasure that they expect from it. Sex without strings,” they say, “has carnal and emotional benefits that don’t depend on reaching orgasm.”
Then comes another priceless quotation from that gem Dr. Debra: “Something we don’t talk about is why having an orgasm is the main goal or the only goal” of sex. “Who are we to say that women should be having orgasms?” (emphasis added)
A Feminist’s Opinion on Casual Sex: Orgasm Is Optional
So what are these carnal and emotional benefits that supposedly come from orgasm-less sex without strings?
According to 29-year old Kim Huynh, “sacrificing a reliable orgasm for sex without the burden of a commitment was a conscious decision”. We wonder how conscious she really is if she regarded her committed relationship as a burden. Perhaps she should have ‘sacrificed’ only that specific relationship rather than herself.
Besides, we wonder if you catch the irony here… true gender equality would mean that she could have her orgasm without a relationship or a guy at all.
So the emotional benefit is the freedom from the ‘burden of committment’…and the physical?
“To sort of know yourself to be sort of skilled in a way or to be able to see someone else’s pleasure that was your own doing, I think there’s definitely something very empowering about that,” says Kim.
We ‘sort of’ think she’s ‘sort of’ suffering from cognitive dissonance and sexual frustration. We hope that she finds her way to SexiLeaks and we think that if you know someone like Kim (and don’t we all?), you should tell them about Sexileaks too!
So, “there you have it,” concludes Walsh: “Sexual freedom; Sexual prowess, as perceived by the male; and Sexual empowerment. Sex-positive feminism has been reduced to women objectifying themselves without pleasure for the purpose of being validated by men. Why does a feminist have sex like a man? Because she can. But she can’t enjoy it like he does. That’s the conundrum that cannot be solved” (by feminism).
So Who’s Responsibility Is It?: #HeForShe and the Feminization of Men
#HeForShe is a UN initiative that touts the line ‘Stand Together’ for the purpose of creating a gender equal world. On the surface, this campaign sounds like a great idea but in fact, it simply tries to shift the blame for ignorance away from women and the responsibility for feminism to men. If He Stands for She, who will Stand for He? And why can/does She not Stand for Herself?
The way to fight patriarchy is not with feminism, it is with unity – but #HeForShe does not represent unity, it represents men who are lying to themselves and the world if they claim they would rather stand for the rights of women than their own. And if they’re not lying, they’re definitely not doing anybody any favours. Mothers may have the instinct to protect their offspring even at the cost of their own life (a life without pleasure is not worth living) but men are not likely to take such a self-sacrificial stance.
Men are generally more taken with the idea of heroism – not that they will sacrifice themself to save someone else but rather that they can save someone else without losing their own life – because they are stronger, faster, and smarter than whatever opponent they face. If a man does choose to end his own life in the service of another, it is not without the proper recognition – like a medal of bravery or, say, a flashy global Twitter campaign advertising the supposed power men have to accomplish the goals of feminism.
Jeez, apparently feminists are so inconsequential they can’t even accomplish their own life purpose without the help of men. And if men are standing for feminism, does that mean they are standing against themselves? Talk about cognitive dissonance…
Men! Don’t be fooled! Real men can do more to help this world by spreading this information about human sexuality to their female friends and family than by tweeting about new-age feminism, slaving away at some job to get to a ‘position of power and influence’, or enlisting as a soldier. You can have power and influence right now, and you can have fun with it too 😉 Sexi, huh?
The thing about sharing this information with your female friends and family is that it is not an act of #HeForShe, it is an act of #HeForHe which leads to a reality where there is more space for love. Men, by sharing this information you can have better sex, better relationships, or a better reputation if you don’t want a relationship, and ALSO help lead the way to a better world – better because it will have more happy and fewer sexually frustrated people in it. John Lennon told you: “A working class hero is something to be”.
Some men already share this information with each other – but only some men and sometimes. Eventually, when the women also start to own their own responsibilities, when they also start to talk about and share this information between each other instead of being catty, insecure, bitchy, and competitive (and all those other words that are used to describe girls when they behave in exactly the way you know I’m talking about…think of that female boss that no one likes, not to mention the case of Marissa Mayer that we described last week), we can all stand TOGETHER 4 PEACE.
So, share this message, join the discussion, and talk about this issue with the people you love. We are nowhere close to having said all we need to tell you yet but there’s only so much we can write about in one post. If there’s something you don’t understand, please don’t be shy – write us a message with your questions! There is no reason to feel ashamed.